


sunday, bury me under the weight of who you need me to be

by wafflesofdoom



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Coming Out, Established Relationship, F/M, Grief/Mourning, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-29
Updated: 2020-07-29
Packaged: 2021-03-05 18:53:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,671
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25590127
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wafflesofdoom/pseuds/wafflesofdoom
Summary: "eddie had never given much thought to his own sexuality. it sounded like a cop-out, he knew that – but it genuinely wasn’t intended to be. there had just never been space in eddie’s life for him to give more than a cursory thought to his own sexuality – not until recently, at least."or - as he and buck's relationship starts to get more serious, eddie starts his journey of coming out to the people he loves most in the world.
Relationships: Eddie Diaz/Shannon Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Evan 'Buck' Buckley/Eddie Diaz
Comments: 28
Kudos: 303





	sunday, bury me under the weight of who you need me to be

**Author's Note:**

> if 'ponderings on catholicism, morality and queerness' was a tag, it would definitely be used on this fic. 
> 
> title from 'sunday' by joy oladokun.

Eddie had never given much thought to his own sexuality. It sounded like a cop-out, he knew that – but it genuinely wasn’t intended to be. There had just never been space in Eddie’s life for him to give more than a cursory thought to his own sexuality – not until recently, at least.

He didn’t like boxes. Eddie had never liked the way his parents, his family, neatly stacked who they were in boxes. Half Mexican, half Swedish, American, Texas born and raised, Catholic. Those were the boxes he and his sisters ticked, and those had been the boxes that defined Eddie’s identity for his entire childhood. He hadn’t liked that, but he hadn’t known how not to be a person other than the one those different aspects of his identity shaped him to be – and the world around him in El Paso hadn’t allowed for much space for that to change, either.

He’d added another box when he enlisted. _Veteran_. Eddie had never really planned on joining the military – he had never loved his country enough to fight for it. Growing up on a border town, with the mixed family he called his own – well, Eddie had seen enough to make him pretty critical of the so-called ‘American Dream’. The American Dream wasn’t for everyone, and it wasn’t for people who looked like him – not white enough to claim his Swedish side, the name Diaz enough of an incentive to the cops who’d pull him over when he’d drive home from a late shift to be harsher than they needed to be.

Enlisting in the military didn’t mean you had to love your country, Eddie quickly discovered. He remembered the day he’d finally let a recruiter talk to him, his new wedding ring glinting in the bright afternoon sunlight as the recruiter had regaled him with tales of bravery and serving your country – and the _money_.

Eddie wasn’t ashamed to say it was the money that convinced him, in the end. He was twenty three, and had just gotten married, and he and Shannon were already swimming in their collective debt – car repayments, the house they had bought knowing full well neither of them could afford it, Shannon’s student loans. The four jobs they worked between them was barely enough to keep their heads above water, and, well, a month before their wedding, Shannon had held out a positive pregnancy test and added another expense to the mix.

Christopher was a person – not an expense. Eddie knew that from the moment he’d held his son in arms for the first time, Chris so tiny and snuffly and in need of all the love and protection Eddie could muster. But to Eddie, twenty three and terrified they were about to lose the house they needed so they could raise their kid, when they were born, a child was just another expense he couldn’t afford, and so when the recruiter started talking numbers, Eddie had been convinced to sign his life away.

He’d signed for two years. Two years didn’t sound like anything, when you were twenty-three and stupid, but now, with the benefit of hindsight, Eddie knew – he’d signed for two years, two in reserve, but in reality, he’d signed his life away. He didn’t get the money from the Army anymore, sure, but the affects of his five years of service would be something Eddie carried with him for the rest of his life – the trauma, the nightmares, the memories he’d never be able to fully shake. He’d thought, back then, he’d serve his two years – maybe more, if the money was good – and he’d go back to Texas, and he’d settle down and he’d have a normal life.

The recruiters never tell you just how much the Army takes from you in return for a signature.

The point was – joining the Army gave Eddie another box. **Veteran**. Eddie hated that label. He hated that when he was discharged – honourably, his father had said with a smile on his face – everyone had treated him like a hero, treated him like his years as Staff Sergeant Diaz had been something to be proud of.

There was no pride in war. Eddie learned that quickly. Anyone – anyone who came back and claimed they were proud of their service, was a person Eddie couldn’t fully trust. Why would he be proud of the person he had been, in Afghanistan? What was there to be proud of – the people who’d died, the lives that had been ruined? Should Eddie be proud of the way his service had ruined him, the way he’d only been able to sleep sitting outside Christopher’s bedroom door for the first three months he was back on US soil? The way even now, years later, Eddie couldn’t sleep with his back to a door? How every Halloween, every Fourth of July, Eddie puts his son to bed and opens a bottle of whiskey, knowing full well sleep would never come, not when fireworks were popping off in his neighbourhood and reminding him so viscerally of the war-zone he’d spent most of the last decade trying to forget?

No.

Eddie wasn’t proud – but everyone around him had been. The Silver Star had been passed around like something precious, when all Eddie wanted to do was take a hammer to it and smash it into a million pieces, the medal nothing more than a reminder of the lives he hadn’t been able to save – his brothers in arms, the life he’d built with Shannon. All of that had been dead beyond repair because of the US Army and the decisions Eddie made because of his service.

At least – at least Shannon hadn’t be proud. Shannon. His wild, wonderful Shannon. His parents had always hated her, and it had made Eddie love her more. Shannon was the kind of wild-hearted, liberal girl his parents had never wanted him to marry. Shannon had married him in a church because Eddie had asked for it – not because she wanted it herself.

Shannon hadn’t been proud, and Eddie had been glad of it. She’d been proud, his first tour – devastated, sure, but proud, all the same, because Eddie was serving the country they both called home, but by time he’d reenlisted, her pride was gone, replaced by heartbreak and anger. Eddie had relished in Shannon being angry at him, when he’d come back. Finally, someone had directed something other than pride, at him, and Eddie had relished in the way Shannon had bitterly spat her anger at him, years of resentment coming to the surface, a failing marriage finally at its breaking point.

Eddie had just been glad to _feel_.

Shannon had been the one to show him that people didn’t need to fit neatly into a box. She’d taught Eddie a lot, if he was being honest about it, and he owed a lot of who he was now, to her – good and bad. Good, in the sense that Shannon had opened up his world in ways Eddie wasn’t sure he would have done if it was up to him, and him alone. Bad, in that losing her changed Eddie in ways there was no going back from.

Shannon hated labels.

A part of Eddie wished – and not for the first time – that she was still around. He often wondered, in the aftermath of her death, if friends and co-parents would have been the best version of Eddie and Shannon. Not the crazy in love fools they’d been, once, not the husband and wife who couldn’t make it work – but friends, friends co-parenting the gorgeous little boy they’d brought into the world together.

Eddie liked to think it would have been the best version of the many partnerships they’d had, over the years.

Eddie mostly just wished she was still around to talk to. Shannon knew him better than anyone else in the world did, had seen him go from teenager to adult and from idiot football player to dad, and she would know what to say, she’d tell him how to broach the subject.

How the hell was Eddie supposed to come out to his nine-year old son?

Eddie could hear a ghostly version of Shannon rolling her eyes, if he pretended hard enough.

 _Eddie, he’s a child – he’s not going to care if you want to kiss boys, or girls, as long as he gets to have ice-cream for dessert_.

Pretend-Shannon was right – but that didn’t meant it wasn’t terrifying to Eddie. He knew he was at the beginning of a life-long journey with his sexuality. He’d had enough quite talks with Hen between calls to know that you didn’t just come out, and that life was simple and easy, after. She’d opened up about her experience coming out to her mom, about how her mom had taken a while to come around to the idea, and how still, sometimes, even amongst her love and acceptance, she’d make a comment about an old boyfriend of Hen’s who’d have made for a wonderful son-in-law.

Coming out was something you did for the rest of your life. Hen had said that. Eddie had been so daunted by her words he’d been a zombie, for the rest of their shift, and Buck had been worried.

Buck.

Buck was different. Buck’s parents – in the kindest way, hadn’t ever given a fuck about him. Buck having a boyfriend or a girlfriend had never concerned them, because Buck had never even been on their radar. Buck had come out to Maddie instead, and she’d been the one to bring him to his first ever Philadelphia pride. Buck’s pansexuality was as much a part of him as the birthmark above his eye was, and Eddie was jealous.

He knew – Eddie knew it hadn’t always been easy, for Buck. It would be a disservice to his best friend to claim he’d never struggled with his sexuality, that it had never impacted on his life in anyway. Stories from high school, college – SEALS training – all proved that it hadn’t been a path of sunshine and roses for Buck. But God, he was comfortable in his skin in ways Eddie was so deeply jealous of.

Eddie wondered if he could ever be like that – comfortable in his queerness in the way Buck, and Hen were, in their different ways.

Maybe if he didn’t put himself into such definitive boxes.

Mexican. American. Catholic. Veteran. _Bisexual_.

Eddie was still trying the word out for size, but it didn’t feel like it could fit. It didn’t fit, not with the other aspects of his identity. How could his newfound bisexuality fit amongst the other boxes that stacked together to create Eddie Diaz? Eddie wasn’t sure there would ever be a way.

But he had to try.

Eddie wasn’t a liar. He was a lot of things, but Eddie had never been a liar. That had been one of the many rules his parents had drummed into them as children – to never lie. Lying was an unforgivable sin, in the Diaz household, and withholding one of the biggest parts of himself felt a lot like lying.

Eddie had denied it for a long time, had never given the possibility any thought – but he liked boys. He’d always liked boys.

He liked one specific boy.

Evan Buckley had been a surprise, and an inevitability. A surprise, because Eddie of a few years ago would have never even imagined the possibility he’d fall so deeply in love with another man – and an inevitability, because who could make Evan Buckley a central part of their life and not want it forever, in every way?

Maybe someone stronger-willed person could have Buck as a best friend and not fall in that forever-after kind of love with him, but Eddie wasn’t a stronger-willed person, and he was glad of it, because loving Buck – well, it was making Eddie a better man.

Eddie had been in love twice in his life. Shannon had been the first girl he’d ever seriously dated – Eddie didn’t count the middle-school, hand holding relationships, or that time he’d kissed Elizabeth from his math class at a party, their sophomore year. No, Shannon had been his first real love, and it had broken Eddie open in ways he hadn’t been ready for.

He’d never been all that interested in girls, much to the annoyance of his football teammates. Not until Shannon. Shannon had caught his attention the moment she’d sat beside him in senior year homeroom, wearing a pair of ripped up, bright yellow jeans, and too much eyeliner, sitting with the air of someone who didn’t care for rules or social conventions. She played lacrosse, and she was on student council, and she would argue with their teachers with a kind of passion that had seventeen year old Eddie desperate for her attention – and God, had she given it in spades. Shannon had kissed him for the first time against Eddie’s beat up car, her lips warm against his own and her hips pressed to Eddie’s in a way that caused a problem embarrassingly quickly.

She’d kissed him, and she’d left with a smirk, Eddie near ready to collapse.

Shannon had always been the confident one. She’d been the one to ask Eddie on a date, and she’d been the one to kiss him for the first – and second, and third, time, right up until Eddie had the confidence to kiss her without asking her permission every time – and she’d been the one to smile softly and put Eddie’s hands on her hips and help him fumble through his first time with her, and the second – and she’d been the one who’d kiss Eddie breathless every time she came back to El Paso, the same wild, wonderful girl he’d fell in love with at seventeen, the girl who saw something in Eddie he still sometimes didn’t see in himself.

Once upon a time, Eddie would have followed Shannon anywhere she’d asked him to – and maybe that’s where the problems started. Eddie stopped wanting to follow. Eddie sometimes wondered how life might have been if he’d done like Shannon had asked at the end of senior year, and followed her to Austin, when she left for college.

He’d been too afraid to.

(Maybe –

No, Eddie was learning to stop thinking of the maybes when it came to Shannon. She was dead, now, and there was nothing he could do to change that. He just – he hoped that one day, when his time came, all the ways he let her down wouldn’t be held against him too harshly. That maybe he would have made up for all the ways he’d failed her by dedicating his life to the people he had left.)

His wild girl.

Shannon had always come back to him – until she hadn’t.

Still, loving her had changed Eddie in a lot of ways – changed him from the quiet teenager he’d been, unwilling to share his thoughts and feelings, to someone who was happy to be quietly in love, who learned, slowly but surely, that it was okay to cry in front of her.

Shannon had made him a father. Eddie would owe her the greatest debt of his life until his dying days, for that.

Evan Buckley was the second person he’d ever loved – and the last, if Eddie had any choice in the matter.

Eddie hadn’t quite been able to put a finger on Buck, at first. He’d assumed, from the way Buck acted when Eddie had first arrived at the 118, that Buck was another of those typical muscle heads he’d served with – threatened by anyone else encroaching on their space. Buck had been threatened, that day, Eddie realised later – but not because Buck believed he was the best. No, Buck had been threatened because Buck was so afraid he wasn’t the best, that he’d lose the one thing in his life that gave him purpose.

Loving Evan Buckley was unlike anything Eddie had ever experienced in his life. It was the kind of love that had settled deep in Eddie’s bones long before he had words for what the feeling was, Buck’s love sure, and certain – a grown up kind of love. It was funny, to say that about Buck, of all people, but their love was a grown up kind of love Eddie had never experienced before. Eddie had thought once that a house, a car, that made your love grown up, but loving Buck made it clear how far from the truth that was. Grown up love was when you could fight and not wonder if Buck was coming back when he walked away – because he always came back, it was just that he needed some space to think, sometimes. Grown up love was being able to say how you felt, good and bad, without worrying that honesty came with reprecussions. Grown up love was being able to ask for space.

Grown up love was the reason Eddie was sitting alone at his kitchen table, wondering how to come out to his son without Buck at his side. Buck had offered to be there, but Eddie had known in his heart of hearts he needed to do this alone, and Buck had understood – God, he hadn’t even asked why, he’d simply nodded, kissed Eddie goodbye, and reassured him that he’d be there in the morning to take his favourite boys out for breakfast.

To celebrate.

Taking a final swig of his beer, Eddie stood up, heading for Christopher’s room. He had to take a moment to drink the picture in front of him in, as he eased the door open, Christopher hunched over on the floor, face twisted in concentration as he drew something.

“When I said get ready for bed, little man, I meant for you to already be in bed when I came to read you a story,” Eddie said teasingly, his heart melting into his chest cavity as Christopher looked up at him, his grin wide.

“I had an idea!” Christopher shook his head, capping his marker carefully. They were erasable markers Buck had found online, and Chris loved them – and Eddie loved knowing that some hot water and dish soap would remove them from any surface or piece of clothing they ended up on.

“You could be an artist one day, you know,” Eddie murmured, watching as Christopher packed his art supplies away, tiredly pulling himself up onto his bed. A part of Eddie wanted to step in and help, but he knew Christopher could do it – and Shannon would come back from the literal dead and murder him herself if he ever became a helicopter parent.

“Maybe,” Christopher shrugged, snuggling under the covers. “Could I be an artist and a scientist?”

“You can be anything you want to be, Chris,” Eddie reassured, sitting down on the edge of his son’s bed. “Do you mind if we talk for a minute, before we read the next chapter of your book?” he asked.

Christopher shook his head, beaming at Eddie. “I like when we talk, dad.”

“Me too,” Eddie reassured, running a hand through Christopher’s unruly, freshly washed hair, smiling as his little boy squirmed in response. He was getting so grown up – Eddie never used to believe people, when they said that it all went by so quickly, but it was true; it felt like Chris had only been a baby, a few weeks ago. “You know I will love your mom forever and ever, right?”

Christopher nodded, patting his chest. “Because she’s in here, right? That’s what you, and abuela always say to me.”

“Exactly,” Eddie said. “But – well, I might love someone else, one day, the way I love your mom,” he continued. “And it might not be a girl, because – because I like boys, the same way I like girls, Chris.”

Christopher’s brow furrowed. “Like how Auntie Hen likes girls?”

Eddie nodded. “Except that I like boys and girls.”

“Can you like both?”

“You can like both,” Eddie confirmed. “Or just boys, or just girls – or neither.”

“It sounds complicated.”

Eddie couldn’t help but laugh. “It can be, but don’t worry – because you’ll just know, when you’re older,” he said. “Like how I’ve always known. But – it can be hard to say it out loud sometimes, Chris, because people don’t always like when boys love other boys – or when girls love other girls.”

Christopher looked confused. “But why?”

“I don’t know,” Eddie hummed, unwilling to cloud Christopher’s innocent view of the world by telling him some people were just full of hatred for no discernible reason. He’d see it for himself, one day, but for now, Eddie wanted to keep him kind and innocent and full of wonder. “But what matters is that you know that its okay to like boys, or girls – or both, like me. And that no matter what, I will love you beyond forever. Okay?”

Christopher smiled. “Okay, daddy,” he nodded. “I love you forever too.”

“Thank you, Chris,” Eddie pressed a kiss to his forehead. “I wanted you to be the first person I told, buddy. You want to know why?”

“Why?” Christopher asked eagerly.

“Because it’s me and you against the world,” Eddie said. “And I want you to know all the important things about me, and liking boys – and girls – is an important thing about who I am. I don’t want to hide that from anyone – and I never want you to think you have to hide a part of yourself from me. I love every single part of you.”

“Have you been hiding, dad?”

“Yes,” Eddie admitted. “I have been hiding. But you’re so brave, Chris, and you make me want to be brave too, so I won’t hide anymore. Does that sound good to you?”

Christopher beamed, pressing a sloppy kiss to Eddie’s cheek. “You’re going to be O-K, kid,” he grinned, slinging his arms around Eddie’s neck.

“Oh, I will be, as long as I have you,” Eddie gathered Christopher into his arms, ignoring his son’s protests as he cradled him like a baby, craving the warmth of his child close to him. Christopher was growing up so quickly, and a part of Eddie wanted him to stay small forever – small enough for Eddie to hold in the crook of his neck as he read the next chapter of Christopher’s book out loud, his son’s excited chatter slowing into easy, steady breathes as he dropped off to sleep, snoring softly against Eddie’s chin.

Eddie didn’t want to move.

He – he wanted to indulge the part of him that wanted Christopher to be the tiny baby he had once been, just a little longer, and so carefully, Eddie set the book aside, and pulled Christopher onto his chest, tugging the duvet up over them both.

He’d just come out to his son – and something that had sounded so daunting before he’d actually done it, turned out to be easy. Christopher was a naturally inquisitive child, and so Eddie had expected him to have a half dozen questions – but he’d forgotten that Christopher hadn’t yet lost that childlike wonder that made him accept a lot of things at face value. Christopher hadn’t been around long enough to have been influenced by the bigotry of the world he lived in, and Eddie was grateful for that. He was glad he would be sending a kind, accepting child out into a world that was, so often, neither of those things.

Eddie often wondered if that was his purpose in life – to raise someone who would make the world they lived in a better place, just by being kind.

(He liked to think that would make Shannon proud.)

Still, now his purpose was to cuddle Christopher and relish in his win – because it _was_ a win.

Eddie had taken the first step toward coming out to the rest of the world.

It felt good.

“Mm, you smell good,” Buck murmured, nose pressed to the warm skin behind Eddie’s ear, Eddie’s boyfriend standing behind Eddie, arms hooked tightly around Eddie’s waist. They’d just come off a pretty lengthy 24 hour shift, and the water pressure in Eddie’s house had been a welcome change from the spluttering, cold showers they had been blessed with in the firehouse for the whole previous day.

It helped that Eddie could shamelessly shower with Buck in the comfort of his own home, Buck’s miles of warm, familiar skin pressed against Eddie’s body as they washed each other’s hair, tired but happy, exchanging soapy kisses under the warm water.

Buck had – rather hilariously – stumbled out of the shower with his hair half washed when his phone has started to ring, his Maddie ringtone signalling she was calling. Ever since Maddie had announced her pregnancy, Buck had gone into full protective brother mode.

It was sweet, really.

“Unlike you, I finished showering,” Eddie teased, leaning back into Buck’s embrace. “Used your fancy shower gel, actually – mine’s run out.”

“I knew it smelled familiar,” there was no accusation in Buck’s tone. “I mean, I prefer when you smell like you, but I don’t mind you smelling like me, either,” he admitted, Eddie not needing to turn around to know that a blush had risen high in Buck’s cheeks, pink against his pale skin in that endearing way it always was.

Eddie liked making Buck blush – as much as Buck liked making Eddie blush.

“Possessive much?”

“Just a little,” Buck hummed, pressing a kiss to the underside of Eddie’s jaw. “But you can’t pretend like you don’t like it.”

“I didn’t say I didn’t like it,” Eddie leaned back into Buck’s grip, enjoying the way Buck managed to make him feel small. It was rare, for someone to make a guy like Eddie feel small, given the muscle Eddie had carried since his high school football days, muscle only made tougher by years in the army, the fire academy, but Buck had a few inches on him, height-wise, and was generally just a bigger guy, and Eddie had surprised himself by being very, _very_ into it.

It made him feel safe, in a way Eddie hadn’t in a long time.

“Good,” Buck was continuing to press kisses to Eddie’s jaw, his neck.

“What are you angling for?” Eddie questioned, wondering what was behind Buck’s onslaught of affection. They were generally quite a tactile couple, had been tactile with each other before they even were a couple, but this was excessive, even for Buck.

“Nothing.”

Eddie raised an eyebrow, squeezing at Buck’s wrist. “You’re a terrible liar.”

“I just love you,” Buck hummed quietly, his breath warm against Eddie’s skin. “And I know coming out isn’t an easy thing to do, and you’re planning on doing a lot of it in the next while, so I – I wanted to reassure you, a bit,” he admitted.

And fuck, if Eddie didn’t love this man with every fibre of his being.

“Thank you,” Eddie leaned back into Buck’s arms, letting the other man sway them gently. “It feels good, you know? To be honest about who I am in a way I didn’t know I could be,” he said. “I never thought I’d be able to embrace this part of myself.”

“But you have,” Buck said, his voice quiet. “I’m so proud of you.”

Eddie reached behind him, vaguely swatting at his face. “Shut up,” he said, no malice in his words. He was – slowly but surely – learning how to take Buck’s compliments at face value. Eddie hadn’t be raised to welcome compliments so freely, and certainly not compliments founded in real, genuine pride – compliments that had come from his parents had been about him being strong, about Eddie stepping up for his family. Compliments that came from Buck were different, and they felt different, and Eddie was learning that different wasn’t bad, actually.

Different was what he needed.

The sound of the front door opening roused Eddie from his thoughts, and he couldn’t help the way his heart swelled with excitement as he realised Christopher was home. Sending your kid off to school was one of the hardest moments of parenthood, in Eddie’s book – he remembered so vividly how hard Shannon had cried when Christopher had toddled into school for his first day, and a part of him didn’t fully understand it then, because he didn’t spend every waking second with Christopher, like she had, but he understood now – every September, Eddie’s heart broke a little more as he sent Christopher in for another year of school, another year where his baby would get older, more independent, and would need him less.

But – the moment he heard the front door open, or he’d collect Christopher at the school gates, and his son would excitedly babble about his day, about what he learned, about his friends, was worth having to let go, bit by bit.

Chris was the light of his life.

“Daddy!” Christopher greeted delightedly, holding a piece of paper tightly in his fist, the drawing crumped against the grip of his right crutch. Carla was behind him, smiling widely as she set Christopher’s backpack down on the kitchen table. “Buck! I didn’t know you were going to hang out with us today.”

“Hi, buddy,” Buck greeted. “I was going to hang out with my favourite Diaz boys today, if that’s okay with you?”

Christopher nodded eagerly, launching into a clearly complicated story about Darla and Matthew from his English class, Buck listening attentively, helping Christopher out of his crutches with a practised ease, settling the little boy at the kitchen table.

“Thanks, Carla,” Eddie sidled over to the older woman, giving her a grateful – but tired – smile. “We could have picked him up.”

“I know, but I also know you’ll never admit how tired you are after one of those crazy, 24 hour shifts,” Carla hummed, giving Eddie’s elbow a squeeze. “You’re getting better at asking me for help – but you’re not that good yet.”

Eddie smiled at her. He couldn’t imagine his life without Carla – not anymore. “Thank you,” he said again. “Do you want to stay for lunch or anything?”

Carla shook her head. “I’ve got a husband at home who’s promised me my favourite take-out and a bottle of wine,” she explained. “I’m going to duck out – but I’ll see you Friday,” she reassured, pausing to press a kiss to the top of Christopher’s head. “Thanks for being the best car company, bug.”

Christopher beamed up at her. “I love you Carla!”

“Bye Carla!” Buck added his voice to the chorus of noise, Eddie smiling to himself as he watched the scene in front of him. He could never have imagined his life would be like this, so full of love and laughter and family, when he’d left Texas – but it was his reality, and Eddie was grateful for it.

“Did you have a good day at school Chris?” Eddie asked, running his fingers through Christopher’s already tousled hair, barely holding in a snigger as he son squirmed underneath his touch, giggling to himself before he answered.

“The best!” Christopher declared, dramatic as ever. “My sunflower is the tallest in the class, dad!”

“The tallest?” Eddie’s pride was genuine. “Oh man, your Abuela is going to be so proud of you Chris – did you know sunflowers are her favourite?”

Christopher was wide-eyed. “Really?”

“Really,” Eddie confirmed. “She loves them – your Abuelo, he used to grow dozens of them in his garden for her, just to make her smile.”

Christopher had never met Eddie’s Abuelo, he’d died long before Christopher was born. Eddie had been seventeen when he’d been bundled into a stiff suit that had once belonged to a cousin of his and told he would be helping to carry his Abuelo’s coffin – it was only right, apparently, that the grandchild that had been named for him would help to bring him to his final resting place. Eddie hadn’t wanted to do it at the time – all he’d really wanted to do was shamelessly cry, the same way his sisters had been allowed to – but he’d done it, and now, sixteen years on, he was glad he had.

Edmundo Diaz – the first – had been a traditional man, hard around the edges and toughed by a life that had never been so easy, but soft around Eddie’s Abuela in ways that Eddie still remembered fondly. They had always been his favourite example of love. Abuela had been sixteen when Abuelo had come calling around with flowers, wanting to take her on a date, and she told him she’d only say yes when he figured out what her favourite flower was – and so Abuelo did. He’d tried every flower he could think of before he finally stumbled on the right one, Abuela saying yes to a date after eight months of trying when the question came with a bunch of sunflowers in tow.

It was Eddie’s favourite story.

“Could we give my sunflower to Abuela, when I can take it home?” Christopher asked.

“That’s so kind, Chris,” Eddie’s chest swelled with pride once more. “I think that would make her really happy.”

Glancing over at Buck, Eddie nodded his head slightly, slipping into the seat next to Christopher. “So, Chris,” Eddie began, absently picking a piece of lint from Christopher’s shirt. “Buck and I wanted to talk to you about something important.”

Christopher looked between them, brow furrowed. “Am I in trouble?” he asked, his voice tiny.

“No, buddy, not at all,” Eddie reassured, brushing a hand through Christopher’s hair, giving his shoulder a reassuring squeeze. “It’s happy news, actually.”

Christopher’s tension immediately eased, and he smiled. “Okay!”

“Remember how I told you, a couple of weeks ago, that one day I might love someone the way I loved your mom?” Eddie began, glancing over to Buck. Buck had pushed for Eddie to take the lead on this, claiming it was a situation that required the delicacy only Eddie could provide his son. Eddie disagreed entirely, but agreed, all the same. “Well – I love Buck that way, Chris. We’re dating – like Auntie Hen, and Karen.”

Christopher was quiet for a second. “Oh,” he said, smiling gap-toothedly at Eddie. “That’s nice, daddy.”

“Yeah?”

Christopher nodded. “I like it when Buck is here,” he shrugged. “He makes you smile. He makes me smile.”

Life was so simple, when you were ten – someone made you smile, so that was a good enough reason for them to be in your life. Adulthood would be a lot less complicated if people carried that belief with them as they got older, Eddie decided.

“I’m not trying to replace your mom, or anything, Chris,” Buck blurted, words Eddie knew his boyfriend had been internalising for days now coming out in a rush. “But I really love your dad, and he makes me really happy – and you make me really happy. And I want to be happy with my Diaz boys all the time.”

Christopher smiled, that same familiar, blinding smile that he’d bore since he was a baby, melting every heart in sight. “Okay!” he nodded, legs swinging underneath the table. “I like it when you’re here, Buck,” he repeated. “We have lots of fun.”

“That’s right,” Eddie hummed his agreement, pulling Christopher into his lap before the little boy could protest, holding him close. He glanced over at Buck, trying to give the other man a reassuring smile. “You’ve been family for a long time, Ev.”

The nickname was still unfamiliar to them both but using Buck’s real name had felt like a natural progression to Eddie – the same way their relationship had been, in a way. Eddie mostly used in the quiet of the night, pressing pleas of Evan to Buck’s miles of warm skin, but every so often he used it like this – to reassure.

Christopher lolled back in Eddie’s arms, fingers tapping at Eddie’s watch, running over the cool metal. “Does this mean you’re coming to Sunday lunch at Abuela’s, Buck?” he asked, his question perfectly innocent.

Buck looked at Eddie, panic clear on his face. They hadn’t exactly talked about telling Eddie’s extended family yet – but it was inevitable they would, Eddie knew, because he would never ask Christopher to keep a secret like this. Eddie wasn’t going to teach his son to be ashamed of his father, to be ashamed of the fact that Eddie loved another man – no, no, that was never the point of coming out.

“Yeah,” Eddie reached for one of Buck’s hands, brushing his fingers against Buck’s knuckles. “I’ll call her tonight and make sure she sets a place for Buck for Sunday.”

“I thought I was the one who was supposed to be nervous,” Eddie commented, looking at Buck, who seemed as though he was on the verge of an actual panic attack, rooting in the boot of his jeep for nothing in particular.

Buck looked at him, wild-eyed. “Oh god, I’m making this all about me, aren’t I?” he looked flustered. “Eddie, I’m sorry, I – “

“I was joking – mostly,” Eddie inclined his head slightly, taking Buck’s hands in his own. “Why are you so nervous? My Abuela has met you a few times before, she liked you,” he said, thinking of the times that his Abuela had met Buck – in hospital, at Eddie’s place, Christopher’s birthday party the previous summer. She’d giving Buck a fond hug every time, berating him for being so tall with a familiar grin on her face.

“I’ve never met her as your boyfriend before,” Buck admitted, hands shaking in Eddie’s. “And here I go again, making this all about me, when you’re the one who’s actually going to go and come out to your grandmother today.”

“Buck,” Eddie rolled his eyes. “I feel fine about coming out to Abuela.”

“Really?”

Eddie nodded. He couldn’t explain it, really, but Abuela was the one person he’d never worried about coming out to. He’d always had a special bond with her, even as a child – his own mom said it was because they’d named him for the great love of her life – but Eddie had always thought it was more than that. When it felt like no one else in the world understood him, his Abuela did.

She’d understand that he loved another man.

“If you make me happy, she’ll be happy,” Eddie said, grinning cheekily. “So don’t break my heart, Evan – or else you’ll have a very angry eighty-five year old on your back.”

Buck rolled his eyes. “Oh, ha-ha, very funny.”

“Oh, I’m serious – she can be vicious, don’t underestimate her,” Eddie said, opening the car door to help a sleepy Christopher out, easing the little boy onto his hip. They’d let him stay up far too late watching a movie the previous evening, and Christopher had fallen asleep the moment Buck had started the drive to Abuela’s. “Can you grab his crutches?”

Buck nodded, closing the trunk of the jeep, grabbing Christopher’s crutches, and the flowers they’d bought for Abuela, Eddie smiling to himself as he watched his boyfriend carefully reposition the flowers so they looked nice and neat. He knew exactly how it would go – Abuela would berate them for bringing her anything for a minute or two, and then she’d fuss, asking Eddie to get her best vase down from the top shelf in the living room so she could arrange the flowers nicely, and put them on display for everyone who’d call to see.

Knocking on the door to announce their arrival, Eddie called out as he entered the house. “Abuela? We’re here!”

Within a second, Abuela was in the hallway, beaming at Eddie.

“Eddie,” she smiled, pressing a kiss to his cheek, and Christopher’s in turn. “Christopher, are you tired?” she fussed. “Come, let’s get you settled on the couch, hm? You can nap before dinner.”

“Thanks Abuela,” Eddie said gratefully, easing Christopher onto the couch, Abuela murmuring softly as she tucked one of her many throw blankets in around the little boy. Checking his watch, Eddie made a mental note to wake Christopher up in a half an hour, whether he liked it or not, because otherwise they would be battling one very much not tired ten year old come bedtime.

“Evan!” Abuela beamed, pressing a smacking kiss to each of Buck’s cheeks as they migrated to the kitchen. “It’s good to see you. Are you taller? Eddie, I think he’s getting taller. Are they stretching you out at that fire-station?”

Eddie laughed. “If Christopher asks, it’s because he eats all his veggies,” he said. “Buck brought you flowers, Abuela.”

Abuela’s face lit up. “Evan!” she scolded. “Did Eddie not tell you? Guests don’t bring anything to my house!”

Despite her scolding, Abuela was already taking the flowers from Buck, admiring the different blooms. Eddie didn’t know anything about flowers, so he’d let Buck do the ordering, and they’d ended up with a startlingly bright collection of pinks and purples and yellows.

“I know, Mrs. Diaz,” Buck stuck his hands in his pockets, clearly trying to make his 6’3 frame look slightly less imposing. “But Eddie said you loved flowers.”

“Eddie, will you get me my favourite vase?” Abuela asked, right on cue. “I do love flowers Evan, thank you – and I’ve told you before, call me Abuela, please.”

Eddie handed Abuela the vase, leaning against one of the kitchen counters. “Is Pepa coming today?” he asked.

“She’ll be late,” Abuela sighed. “She’s working – again. But we’ll start without her, hm? Lunch will be ready in another hour or so.”

“I wanted to talk to you about something first,” Eddie admitted, nerves bubbling in his stomach now he was finally broaching the subject for real.

Abuela’s hands were on his cheeks in an instant, her kind eyes searching every inch of his face for injury or worry. “What’s wrong?” she demanded.

“Nothing is wrong, Abuela,” Eddie reassured.

“I’m too old for you to say such ominous things to me, Eddie!” Abuela shook her head, not easing her grip of Eddie. “No – something is wrong. You’re hiding something from me.”

“I am,” Eddie admitted, hating the way that tears welled up in his eyes as he tried to find the right words. “I – Buck isn’t my best friend, Abuela,” he managed to say. “He’s my boyfriend. And I didn’t know how to tell you that, because I – I’ve never told anyone before Buck that I was bisexual. But I am, and I hope that’s okay.”

Before Eddie could get another word out, Abuela was pulling him into a surprisingly bone-crushing hug, considering the woman was eight-five and on her second hip. “Oh, Eddie,” she murmured, pressing a kiss to his hair. “Of course it’s okay, you silly boy. You have always been the light of my life, Edmundo, nothing will ever change that,” she reassured, rocking him the same way she would when he was a child, an angry teenager, fighting with his father over something, Abuela the only one who was ever able to step in and calm the simmering tension between her son, and grandson. She’d been kind to him in ways that Eddie had never felt like he deserved – and even less so now, with his Abuela murmuring kind words into his ear as Eddie really, properly cried.

Eddie felt absolutely mortified as he pulled back, Abuela wiping away his tears with the pad of her thumb. “Sorry,” he said quietly. “I didn’t think I would get so upset.”

“It’s a big moment,” Abuela reassured, pressing a kiss to each of his cheeks in turn. “Eddie, if you’re happy, I’m happy. I don’t care who you love, as long as they’re good to you.”

Eddie didn’t even have to think for a beat before he replied. “He’s so good to me, Abuela,” he said softly.

“Then, I am happy.”

A muffled hiccup drew both their attentions, and Eddie looked over Abuela’s shoulder to see Buck trying his best to muffle his crying, his cheeks glistening with tears. “Evan?” he asked, concerned – but before he could even move, Buck was the one who was in Abuela’s arms, Buck needing to crouch so that Abuela could hug him properly.

“Sorry,” Buck said into the shoulder of Abuela’s cardigan. “I just – I don’t have a grandmother, and that was really nice, and I – he’ll confirm this, Mrs. Diaz, but I cry pretty easily at everything, and I really love your grandson and you were just so accepting and I just… Couldn’t help it.”

Eddie couldn’t stop the wet giggle that escaped his throat at Buck’s words. “He really does cry at everything, Abuela,” he confirmed, shuffling over to his boyfriend and his grandmother, looping a finger into one of Buck’s beltloops. “He cried at an ad for baby formula the other day.”

“Could you be blamed?” Abuela hummed, pulling back from the deathly tight hug she had Buck captured in. “Babies are cute. And Evan – you do have a grandmother. You have me. So no more Mrs. Diaz, hm? Call me abuela.”

“Thank you, Abuela,” Eddie hummed, pressing a grateful kiss to Abuela’s cheek. “I love you.”

“I love you, my Eddie,” Abuela smiled. “Now, we must celebrate. I’ll ask Pepa to bring cake, every celebration needs cake.”

Eddie let his grandmother’s acceptance wash over him as he watched her bustle around the kitchen, setting her flowers on the kitchen table and talking to Buck about whatever food she had in the oven. His Abuela’s house in Los Angeles has always felt so homely – Shannon had loved it, when they visited it, and Eddie could never disagree. It was as though her love and affection was built into the very foundations of the house, the home wrapping each and every visitor up in kindness and love.

He hadn’t been lying, when he said to Buck that he hadn’t been all that worried about coming out to his Abuela – in his heart of hearts, he knew that she would always accept him. Grandmothers and grandsons have a special bond, Abuela would tell him later that evening, Buck occupied by whatever complicated game Christopher was showing him, the radio playing softly in the background as Eddie and Abuela sat on the swing chair on her back-porch, sipping on their coffees. That’s why grandmothers could never do anything but accept you for who you were – and that was why Abuela slipped a familiar cloth bag into Eddie’s pocket, as they were leaving that evening, Christopher chattering away as Buck got him settled in the jeep.

_You’ll need it one day soon, my Eddie._

Turning his Abuelo’s wedding ring between his fingers, Eddie couldn’t help but smile to himself as he listened to Christopher’s hyperactive shrieks, Buck chasing him around the house, trying to bundle the kid into the bathroom before the bath they had ran him went cold.

Yeah, he was going to need it one day soon.

Coming out to their team was easier than Eddie had expected – but not really, if he gave himself more than a minute to think about it. Eddie hadn’t really loved much about the army – but he had loved the comradery of it all, the way your colleagues became your family, people bound together by the heat of the desert and the all-consuming loss they experienced side by side.

Being a first responder was different, it had felt different, right from the very first day Eddie had entered the fire academy, like you were dedicating your life to helping people, and Eddie had never felt like that about the army. No, no – the US Army handed him a gun and tried to placate his nervousness about wielding a killing machine by allowing him to become a combat medic, as though that would weigh the balance of grief and regret Eddie would have to live with, knowing he put bullets in the skin of innocent people. Eddie wasn’t much of a religious man, but he had been raised in a church and you didn’t shake that belief system so easily – and if he believed anything, he believed it wasn’t his place to decide who was good, or bad, or redeemable. That was God’s job.

He didn’t have to carry the weight of that guilt and regret anymore. Eddie got into the fire-truck, the ambulance, and he went out and he tried to save people.

(And if that was Eddie’s way of trying to balance his ledger – well, it was no one’s business except his own. And God’s, if you were inclined to believe in His existence.)

The point was – the 118 had more than just comradery. They were a family, in work and outside of it, and so it should have been wildly obvious to Eddie that they wouldn’t bat an eyelid at his coming out. Hen had known long before the others – Eddie had needed someone to talk to about everything who wasn’t Buck, because he was inclined to get distracted and end up with his hands down Buck’s pants more often than not.

(They were still in their honeymoon phase – sue him.)

Buck had told Maddie quietly, a few evenings previous, asking her to keep it to herself until Eddie could come out on his own terms, and Maddie, in all her heavily pregnant glory, had pressed teary, delighted kisses to each of their cheeks in turn before she had promised she wouldn’t say a word.

“Bobby?” Eddie’s voice was quiet and measured as he knocked on Bobby’s office door. Bobby made a point of never being in his office when shift had properly started, always wanting to be available to the team, but could always be found there in the half hour before they were officially on duty, catching up on all the paperwork that came with the Captain title.

“Hi, Eddie, Buck,” Bobby greeted with a friendly smile. “Come in. How was your weekend off?”

“Really good,” Eddie confirmed, grateful for the way Buck eased the door shut behind them carefully, giving them some semblance of privacy in the busy fire-house. “We wanted to talk to you about something, actually.”

Bobby, whether he suspected the topic of conversation or not, kept his face neutral, gesturing for them both to sit down. “I’m all ears,” he said, giving them both a reassuring smile.

“I don’t really know where to start, so I’ll just say it, I guess,” Eddie said, letting out a shaky breath. Buck had offered to be the one to tell their boss, but he’d waved off Buck’s concern. He wanted to do it. The more Eddie came out, the easier it was becoming, the more he felt like he was growing into his skin and his newfound identity as a bisexual man. “Buck and I, we’re in a – a romantic relationship,” Eddie said, the words sounding stilted and formal as he said them aloud in a work context for the first time.

Bobby smiled softly. “Congratulations,” he said. “I wondered why you both seemed happier these last few weeks, but I didn’t want to presume.”

Eddie’s heart started to return to a normal rhythm. “Thanks, Bobby.”

“As your friend, I don’t have much to say except that I’m happy for you,” Bobby said, leaning forward slightly, fixing them both with a serious look. “As your boss, however.”

“We know, Bobby,” Buck interrupted urgently. “It won’t change anything, we swear.”

“Can you both promise me that?”

Eddie swallowed thickly. “I’ve loved Buck for nearly as long as I’ve had this job, Cap,” he admitted, knee knocking against Buck’s. “It’s just that now we’re both on the same page about it. We’ve been professional until now, and we’ll continue to be professional.”

“I swear, Bobby,” Buck said. “Nothing is going to change. We just…” he trailed off, glancing over at Eddie.

Eddie couldn’t help but smile. “We wanted to live an honest life, Cap.”

“And that’s very admirable of you both,” Bobby said, clearly still in his Captain mode. “But I’m only going to say this once – the day your relationship starts to affect your work, I will transfer one of you to another station. We put our lives on the line every single day in this job, and I cannot have two of my best firefighters compromised by their personal lives. When you wear those uniforms, you’re just Buck and Eddie, two of my very best firefighters. No romance, nothing. Is that clear?”

Eddie nodded. “Crystal clear, Cap.”

Buck hummed his agreement.

Bobby’s face softened. “In that case,” he said, pulling some forms from his desk. “This form is required to report your relationship to the LAFD, and if you’d like to name each other as an emergency contact, you’ll have to fill this one in – just be sure to name a second contact who is not in the LAFD, just in case. Otherwise, until your living situation or marital status changes, you’re up-to-date on all your paperwork.”

“Sure thing, Cap,” Eddie nodded, reaching for the first form, scanning it quickly.

“Oh, and Eddie?”

Eddie looked up to see Bobby giving him an endearingly fatherly smile. “You seem freer,” Bobby said, his voice softer. “I’m glad. You deserve that.”

Eddie couldn’t help the lump that formed in his throat at Bobby’s words, and he nodded. “Thanks, Bobby,” he managed to croak out, holding too tightly to the form in his hands. He hadn’t thought of it, in those terms before – freedom.

Freedom was a weird one.

Eddie had never really bought into the idea of freedom the US Army tried to sell him – that America was the land of the free, that he was fighting to protect the freedom of his countrymen and women. No, no – he had seen enough in his life to know that America wasn’t free, not really, not for everyone.

But this freedom – the one where Eddie was living authentically, where he was confident enough in himself to come out, and tell the world that he was bisexual, that he loved another man, well – that felt like the kind of freedom Eddie could believe in.

Freedom that had Buck scrawling his signature next to Eddie’s on both forms.

Freedom that made Eddie take Buck’s hand in his own as they joined the rest of the crew for breakfast, Hen beaming at him with the kind of pride that he’d only ever seen her direct at Denny, before, her pride overwhelming as he sat quietly at the table, Chimney giving them both an eager thumbs up, looking genuinely delighted.

Eddie did feel freer.

Freer than he had felt in a very long time.

(Maybe his whole life, now he was thinking about it.)

Eddie could get used to this feeling.

Eddie had come out to nearly everyone important, by now. He’d had a quiet conversation with Shannon’s mother, and her brother, one evening, Christopher playing with toys that Gwen reassured her grandson had once belonged to his mom. That had been the hardest one, Eddie decided – and not because he was telling Shannon’s die-hard Democrat mother, who’d started a PFLAG at their conservative Texas high-school – but because he was telling Shannon’s family he was moving on from the girl he’d promised to love until death did them part.

(But death had parted them – Eddie still remembered the look on Shannon’s face in the ambulance, realisation dawning on his wife that she wasn’t going to make it. It would haunt him for the rest of his life, the same way the feeling of her grip loosening on his hand for the final time would.)

“She would want you to be happy, Eddie,” Gwen had reassured. “Despite it all, she loved you until the end.”

“I’ll always love her,” Eddie said, truthful in his declaration. Regardless of everything that had happened over the course of their marriage, Shannon was, and would always remain, the wild and brilliant girl he’d fallen for at seventeen. Life had changed a lot, but it would never change the fact that Shannon was the first person he’d ever loved.

She just – hadn’t been the last.

“I know,” Gwen said, her eyes glassy with tears. “I have always trusted you to keep her alive for that little boy,” she said, looking at Christopher. “But I would never ask you to be alone and mourn her for the rest of your life. You have the opportunity to find love again and give Christopher more family who loves him. I think Shannon would be angry if I didn’t tell you to take the chance.”

“She was so much more than I ever deserved,” Eddie admitted, wiping away tears that sprang up behind his eyes.

“No, I don’t think that’s true,” Gwen shook her head. “Whatever happened between you two – Shannon never regretted marrying you. Love doesn’t have to last forever for it to be the right decision to have made.”

“Shan loved you so much, Eddie,” Daniel interjected, having stayed quiet for most of the evening. “Be happy for the both of you. She – she wouldn’t want us all to sit here and let life pass her by because she’s gone.”

They were right. Eddie knew that too, deep down, but it meant a lot to hear it from the people who’d spent most of the last years of Shannon’s life with her – years Eddie had been gone.

Clinking his beer bottle against his former brother-in-law’s, Eddie nodded. “To Shannon.”

“To Shannon,” Daniel murmured in reply, the three of them watching Christopher play in silence.

Grief – grief was a funny thing.

Grief was unpredictable and messy and changeable and something you didn’t ever get over – you just learned to live with it, learned to share the burden of grief with those you loved.

“I think Shannon would have liked you, for me,” Eddie admitted, leaning heavily against Buck as the newest Netflix release played in the background. He felt his boyfriend stiffen for a second, and then relax, Buck slowly learning how to navigate Shannon and her memory.

“You think?”

Eddie nodded. “Our marriage was over long before either of us was willing to admit it,” he said, glancing at Buck. “I think we would have worked well as friends, and I think she would have been glad I found you, because…. Because you’ve made me more open.”

“I think that was all you,” Buck’s reply was soft.

Eddie shook his head. “No,” he said. “I – I was a brick fucking wall, when things started to get real between Shannon and I. She had to hammer away at me for years before I could even try and voice a sincere feeling,” he explained. “But you – you make me want to be open, and honest. You don’t know how much that means to me.”

Buck’s smile was as sincere as Eddie’s words. “I love you,” he replied, sounding as though he was stuck for words – an unusual state for his normally talkative boyfriend to be in. Buck was able to fill every silence, big or small, with every kind of nonsense you could think of.

Eddie would be lying if he said he wasn’t pleased to have stunned Buck into silence.

“I want this forever,” Eddie breathed against Buck’s skin, kissing him between every word. “I’m not – I’m not proposing. I’m just telling you. That’s where I’m at, with us.”

Buck pressed his reply into Eddie’s skin, his hands everywhere and every nerve in Eddie’s body firing as Buck crowded Eddie against the couch cushions, the movie long forgotten as Buck’s mouth explored every inch of Eddie’s body.

“I want this forever too.”

Eddie had told everyone important – except his family.

Eddie’s parents were good people. He didn’t mean for his silence to imply otherwise – they were good people. They just… had never understood Eddie all that well. The closest to true understanding he’d received from his father was the day Eddie had told him he’d enlisted. Serving your country, providing for your family, those were things that Ramon could understand.

Not the pain – not the way the US Army had taken all the ways Shannon had broken Eddie open and sewed them back, Eddie’s emotions festering in the pit of his stomach for years until they’d exploded out, manifesting in kicks and punches and a desperate need to control the world around him; because his father had never taught him how to deal with his emotions, only to ignore him.

His mom hadn’t been better. His mom had wanted him to be the perfect son – strong, and confident and the kind of man she could boast about to her friends after mass on a Sunday. That hadn’t left room for forgiveness for the ways Eddie had failed – or for the support he needed when he found himself back on familiar ground, discharged from the army, with nothing to show for his service except a fucking medal and a lifetime of trauma, working three jobs to try and provide for a child that needed support none of them knew how to give.

His parents weren’t bad people.

They were good grandparents, mostly – even if they did coddle Christopher more than Eddie liked. They were better grandparent than they had been parents, but that was because they didn’t force Christopher to carry the weight of carrying the Diaz name on, to be the strong family man that Ramon had strived to be his whole life.

The point was –

His relationship with his parents was complex.

But –

He wasn’t going to hide Buck.

But –

This was a conversation they couldn’t possibly have over the phone. Which was why Eddie was standing in line at a boarding gate in LAX, keeping an eye on Christopher as they slowly shuffled forward, Buck next to him as they waited to board a flight to Denver, their connection to El Paso looming in only a matter of hours.

“You okay?” Buck asked, shouldering his own bag, as well as Christopher’s.

Eddie nodded. “I need to do this,” he admitted, and he wasn’t lying – Eddie’s life felt like it had been a process of slowly finding who he really was underneath the weight of the expectations his parents had imposed on him, forgiving himself for the ways he hadn’t lived up to Ramon and Helena’s ideals of a son, and this felt like it was the final puzzle piece in becoming the man he wanted to be – not the man his parents wanted him to be.

Buck nodded, kissing him softly. “I love you,” he said, Eddie melting into the embrace, forgetting for a second that they were in the airport.

Squeezing Buck’s hip gently, Eddie smiled. “I love you.”

El Paso was unforgivably hot in July.

Eddie had forgotten that, somehow. The heat hit him in waves as they stepped outside the airport, Buck pushing a delighted Christopher along the hot concrete, Christopher sitting on top of their shared suitcase.

(They’d only be there for a couple of days, and Eddie did not believe in paying baggage fees. Simple as.)

“Man, it’s hot,” Buck muttered as they walked toward their rental car, slower than normal so that Christopher didn’t fall off the suitcase. “I never believed you when you said it was a different kind of hot – but it really is.”

“Aw, is your pasty Pennsylvania ass struggling?” Eddie smirked, stopping in front of the truck they’d rented for the duration of their long weekend in Texas. It had been a while since he’d been home in El Paso, but Eddie hadn’t been confident enough in his parents reaction to his sexuality to book a week, or two.

A long weekend was enough.

“I lived in South America, you know,” Buck replied, fitting the booster seat for Christopher with a practiced ease, one that made Eddie’s heart flutter in his chest. This man – he was such a significant part of Eddie’s daily life, and lately, he couldn’t shake off how that made it feel like this, he and Buck, were forever.

(They were – it was just too soon to say it aloud.)

“I know,” Eddie grinned, settling into the driver’s seat, waiting for Buck to sit in the passenger side before he cranked the air conditioning, the cool air a blissful reprieve from the stifling July heat outside. “I’ve seen enough photos of your terrible hairdo to prove it.”

“I think I was very sexy, actually,” Buck joked, gaze fixed on the window as they left the airport, Eddie speeding up as they hit the highway. “The girls and boys of Argentina loved my braidable hair.”

“Oh, I’m sure,” Eddie barely held in a snort. He’d only recently seen photos of Buck’s time spent living in Argentina – the tanned skin, beachy vibes were nice, sure, but the wild, shoulder length curls Buck had apparently sported throughout his entire year in the country were not exactly Eddie’s thing.

Though, a part of him wondered how nice it would have been to have more hair to pull on than the heat induced cropped style Buck was sporting these days, both of them feeling utterly disgusting after the first heatwave of the summer had hit, cutting each other’s hair with zero skill or patience, both of them just wanting it off, the temperature gauge ticking over to an unforgivable number as they doubled their electricity bill for the month.

Shaking off a thought far too inappropriate given his nine year old son was in the car, Eddie took the familiar turn-off that would bring them to his parents house in the suburbs of El Paso. It was funny – Eddie had grown up in El Paso, and he’d never planned to leave, not really, figuring it would always be his home. But it wasn’t, not anymore. Home was a house in Los Angeles now, surrounded by the family he’d built for himself.

Anyone who’d left their home state – home country, even – would probably be able to tell you that somewhere along the way, you figure out that you’ve got two homes. Home, and home-home. Home-home was his parents’ house, when he’d first moved into his own apartment. Home-home had been the house he’d shared when Shannon, the home he’d think of during those long, hot days in the Afghan desert.

Home-home was LA, now.

El Paso might have been the city that raised him, but Eddie had found himself in Los Angeles, in ways he didn’t think he ever would have if he’d stayed in El Paso. Maybe – maybe that was the wrong assumption to make, but a part of Eddie wondered if he would have ever felt ready to come out if he’d stayed her, surrounded by family and expectations.

Maybe he would have.

But he wouldn’t have met Buck.

That made those hard first few months in Los Angeles when Eddie would lie awake at night, wondering if he had made the right decision or if he was failing Christopher again, worth it.

Buck would always be worth it.

“Daddy! It’s abuelo and grandma’s house,” Christopher declared excitedly from the back-seat as Eddie turned onto a familiar street, slowing down as they made their final approach to Eddie’s childhood home.

It was the same as it always was – down to the bright blue front door.

“Are you okay?” Buck asked, his voice soft. “I can – I can go somewhere, for a bit, if you want me to. You don’t have to do this.”

“I know,” Eddie gave his boyfriend a reassuring smile, giving Buck’s knee a squeeze. “I know I don’t have to, but I want to.”

And that was the truth of it. Eddie knew he didn’t have to tell his parents – fuck, if Buck wasn’t the kind of self-sacrificing kind of man that would just let Eddie never tell his parents if that was what Eddie wanted. But it wasn’t what he wanted – Eddie wanted to tell his parents. He would never allow himself to be ashamed of the way he loved Buck, the way he was loved in return.

There was no shame in that.

“I love you,” Buck gave Eddie a quiet, reassuring smile.

“I love you,” Eddie hummed in response, getting out of the car, helping Christopher down. No matter how often he tried to get a lower car to accommodate Christopher’s needs when they travelled like this, he always ended up with something different. He supposed it wasn’t much different to the jacked-up truck he drove back in LA, but at least Eddie could justify that by reminding himself that if someone was to drive into them, they’d come off worse, compared to the tank that Eddie was still paying off on a monthly basis.

He watched as Christopher easily picked his way across his parents carefully maintained front lawn, muscle memory directing his son across the grass, rather than the slightly rickety stones Eddie’s father had sworn he knew how to put down himself, regardless of how many times Eddie offered to call his friend who was a landscaper to do it.

Diaz men didn’t ask for help.

But –

Eddie did, now.

Letting Christopher eagerly knock on the door, Eddie took his time getting to the door, Buck a few paces behind him.

“Oh, Christopher!” his mom greeted excitedly, pressing kisses to a squealing Christopher’s cheeks. “It’s so good to see you sweetheart.”

“Hi, mom,” Eddie greeted, watching as confusion flashed over his mom’s face as she noticed there was a third person with them, Buck standing behind Eddie with their suitcase. “Can we sit down before we talk?” he asked quietly, pressing a kiss to her cheek.

Helena nodded, ushering them into the house, telling Buck to leave the suitcase by the door.

“Chris?” Eddie asked. “How about you play in the garden for a little while, hm? So I can talk with abuelo and grandma.”

Christopher, to his credit, didn’t question Eddie’s direction, making his way out of the open doors and into the garden.

“He shouldn’t play on his own, Eddie, we – “

“He’s nine years old, mom,” Eddie interrupted softly, but hoping there was still authority in his voice. “He can play on his own. I can see him from the kitchen table. What’s there to worry about?”

His mom looked like she wanted to argue, but nodded, gesturing for them to sit down. “Your father is still at work,” she explained, moving around the kitchen with ease, filling the kettle so she could make coffee.

Of course his father was still at work. Nearing sixty, and Ramon refused to believe he needed to slow down.

Eddie swore he would never be like that.

“Not that I’m not happy to have an unexpected visit from you both,” Helena continued, setting out a selection of mugs on the table. “But what is going on, Eddie?”

Swallowing thickly, Eddie waited until his mom was sitting at the table before he spoke. “You remember Buck, right? Evan Buckley – we work together at the 118,” he began, gesturing at Buck.

Helena nodded. “It’s good to see you looking healthy, Evan,” she said softly, giving Buck a small smile as she spoke.

“Thank you, Mrs. Diaz.”

“Buck and I are in a relationship,” Eddie said, deciding it was best to just rip the band-aid off and say it. He’d sort of hoped his father wouldn’t be home, so he could tell his mom first – she’d always been good at doing the groundwork for Eddie when he needed to tell his father something.

Helena’s eyes were wide. “You – what?”

“I’m bisexual, mom,” Eddie said, the words giving that same sense of relief as they had the first few times, as though a weight was being lifted again, and again.

“I – I don’t know what to say, Eddie,” she admitted, sitting back in her chair. “I didn’t expect you to say that.”

“I know,” Eddie said. “But I’ve always been good at hiding it.”

“How long have you know?”

“Always, I think, on some level,” Eddie admitted. “Jake Paterson – from my ninth grade homeroom, do you remember?”

Helena’s brow furrowed. “I think so,” she said. “He went to New York for college, no?”

Eddie nodded. “NYU, there was a big party,” he said. “I – he was the first person I ever kissed,” he explained. “I knew then, but I was scared, mom, and so I hid it – and then I met Shannon, and I loved her, and I didn’t need to think about it. Until – well, until Buck.”

He glanced across the table, giving Buck a soft smile.

“Were you – were you afraid to tell me?” Helena asked, her voice tiny.

Eddie decided he might as well be honest. “Yes,” he said. “I – I feel like I’ve done nothing but disappoint you both, my whole life, because I have never lived up to the expectations you have for me. I figured this was just going to be another reason for you to be disappointed in me.”

“Do you – do you really think that?”

Eddie’s chest tightened as he nodded. Some of his earliest memories were of disappointed looks on his parents faces – you’ll have to work harder if you’re going to pass maths, Eddie. You need to study harder for English – it doesn’t matter if you don’t find the book interesting. You’ll have to run further if you ever want to make the football team.

And Shannon.

Always Shannon.

“The day I told you Shannon and I were engaged,” Eddie began, blinking back tears. “You told me I was going to ruin my life by marrying her.”

“Eddie – “

“No, mom, let me say this,” Eddie said. “I loved her more than anything in the world, and you made sure, from the start, that you thought I was making a mistake. Shannon getting pregnant was a mistake to you, too – stupid Eddie, tying himself to a girl like Shannon for the rest of his life. Why would I think you’d be anything other than disappointed if I came home and told you I was dating a man?”

His mom was silent.

“I love you, mom,” Eddie reassured. “But you and dad have never been easy for me to talk to. But I – I don’t want to raise Christopher to think he should ever be ashamed of who he is, and that’s all he’d learn if I didn’t come here, and tell you this, and introduce you to Buck, and ask you to accept the choices I am making, to accept who I am.”

“I – I didn’t realise you felt that way, Eddie,” his mom admitted, wiping roughly at her eyes. “I know we were hard on you, all of you, growing up, but that was because we wanted you to make something of your lives. I – I didn’t realise it had felt like disappointment.”

“It did.”

God, had it felt like all he did was let his parents down – by marrying the wrong girl, marrying too young, having a kid too young, by coming back from the Army broken beyond repair, by letting his wife leave him.

Eddie’s choices were always wrong.

Helena sighed. “I’m sorry, Eddie,” she said. “I won’t pretend I understand. But I will try.”

“That’s all I’m asking, mom.”

Helena stood up, crossing the table so she could hug Eddie, pulling him close to her chest like she used to when he was a child. “I love you, Eddie,” she murmured softly. “All I have ever wanted is for you to be happy, okay? And if your happiness looks different to how I imagined your life might look – that’s on me.”

Eddie sank into his mom’s embrace, closing his eyes. “I am happy mom.”

And he was.

God, Eddie was so happy he felt like he was going to burst with it sometimes, like his body wasn’t built to handle all of this happiness – the kind of happiness that left Eddie wondering what he’d ever done to deserve it.

But –

He was letting himself he deserved it.

That he deserved the happiness, the acceptance.

The love, from Buck.

God, Eddie hoped he deserved that.

Buck was playing some intricate Lego game with Christopher when Eddie’s father arrived home, Eddie watching them with a fond smile from his place on the couch. Buck was trying to encourage Christopher to build things that looked a bit more like things – Christopher’s physical therapist felt it would be good for his dexterity, and a whole host of other skills, and Buck had been the one to suggest they buy a few of those Lego kits that would end in you making a car, or a plane.

It was a fire engine, this time.

Eddie let his father say his hellos to Christopher, eyeing Buck suspiciously, before he stood up, stepping into his father’s quick embrace. “Can we talk, dad?” he asked, searching Ramon’s face for a reaction.

Ramon nodded, pressing a kiss to Christopher’s hair before they left the living room, heading for the kitchen. “How was your flight?” his dad asked, shrugging off his jacket before reaching into the fridge for a beer.

“Good – Chris seems to love flying,” Eddie said, accepting the beer his dad offered with a thanks. “He finds it so exciting.”

Ramon smiled fondly. “He is young,” he hummed. “The world is such an amazing place to him still.”

Eddie nodded, not sure what to say – or where to start.

“Why is your friend here, Eddie?”

Closing his eyes, Eddie finally managed to speak. “He’s not my friend,” he said, squeezing his eyes shut. “He’s my boyfriend, dad.”

It was easier if he didn’t look – if he didn’t look, he wouldn’t see the disappointment in his father’s face.

The silence was deafening.

“Edmundo, could you please look at me?”

No.

No thank you.

Eddie forced his eyes open, tears rolling down his cheeks as he looked at his dad.

“When did this happen?” Ramon asked.

“A few months ago,” Eddie said, rubbing roughly at his eyes. “But it’s been a long time coming, dad.”

“So you’re – gay?”

“Bisexual,” Eddie corrected, heart thundering in his chest. “I like both, dad. I – I loved Shannon, and I love Evan, and I’m not going to apologise for that,” he wasn’t sure where his confidence was coming from, but he couldn’t stop, now. “I – I am a good father, dad, and I wasn’t a good husband to Shannon, I know that – but I am good for Buck, and he is good for me.”

Ramon was quiet.

“If you hate me, I – “

“Edmundo,” Ramon interrupted with a sigh. “I would never hate you – not as long as there is life in my body. Okay? I – it’s a lot for me to process. Can you understand that?”

Eddie didn’t trust himself to speak without crying, so he nodded.

“I won’t stand here and lie and say that I understand,” Ramon said. “I wanted an easy life for you, all three of you – and this is not easy, Eddie. Many people will not accept this – even in our own family.”

Eddie swallowed thickly. “I know,” he replied. Of course he knew – Eddie hadn’t been under the illusion that everyone from his family would accept the fact that Eddie wanted to spend the rest of his life with a man. He knew he would lose people.

“It’s not – it’s not a phase?” Ramon tried.

“No, dad, it’s not a phase,” Eddie felt like an idiot teenager as he defended his sexuality to his father. Of course it wasn’t a fucking phase – he hadn’t just dyed his hair blue on a whim, and could wait for it to wash out, it was a fundamental part of who he was, and –

“Okay.”

Eddie near gave himself whiplash as he looked up. “Okay?”

“I don’t understand,” Ramon said. “But I will try. Is that enough?”

Eddie nodded. “That’s enough, dad.”

Ramon gave him a soft smile. “Your sisters – they made your mother and I aware recently that perhaps we’ve put too much pressure on you,” he said. “I will not apologise for wanting a better life for you, Eddie. But I will say I’m sorry if you felt my treatment of you was unfair. You’re my only son, Eddie – and you’re a parent now, you know how desperate you are to protect your child from all the things that are wrong in this world.”

“I don’t need you to protect me anymore, dad,” Eddie shook his head. “I just need you to be my dad, you know? I need you to – to love me.”

Love wasn’t a word Ramon Diaz was prone to throw around, all that often.

“I do love you, Edmundo,” Ramon reassured. “With all that I am. I have not always done right by you – we have not always done right by each other. But we can try harder.”

“Yeah,” Eddie replied wetly. “I’d like that, dad.”

“And I am proud of you,” Ramon said. “For being a good father, for the work you do in Los Angeles. And I – I will be proud of this too, if you can give me some time.”

It wasn’t the instant acceptance that Eddie had hoped for – but it was something.

“Yeah,” Eddie reassured. “I can do that, dad.”

Ramon nodded. “Good,” he said. “Now – where are your manners, Edmundo? Introduce me properly to your – your Buck.”

Your Buck.

Eddie liked the sound of that. “Buck?” he called, sticking his head around the doorway. “Can you come here a second?”

Buck pressed a kiss to Christopher’s forehead, easing himself off the floor in a tangle of limbs.

“Dad, this is Evan Buckley – my boyfriend,” Eddie said, smiling at Buck as his boyfriend shook his dad’s hand, thanking him for letting him stay the weekend.

“He has a good handshake,” Ramon hummed. “Would you like a beer?”

“Uh, yes – thank you sir.”

Eddie couldn’t help but smile.

It was as close to outright approval that they would get this weekend, he figured.

And that was enough, for now.

“You should feel privileged,” Eddie said softly, pressing a long overdue kiss to Buck’s lips as they stepped into Eddie’s childhood bedroom. Christopher had his own room at Eddie’s parents’ house – one patterned with stickers of cartoons he’d long since lost interest in – and so Eddie’s room had stayed the same as it had been the day he’d moved out, all those years ago.

Buck raised an eyebrow. “Why?”

“Because normally, my parents don’t let significant others sleep in our rooms until we’re married,” Eddie laughed, remembering the look of utter confusion on Shannon’s face the first time she’d stayed at the Diaz household, Eddie relegated to the couch in the living room with Sophia’s boyfriend. No ring on the finger, no sharing a bed.

Buck laughed, the sound the same music to Eddie’s ears it had always been. “I guess it’s a good thing you can’t get me pregnant, then.”

Eddie ghosted his mouth across Buck’s jawline. “If you stay very, very quiet,” he said, shoving Buck backwards, his boyfriend landing on Eddie’s childhood bed. “I can try my very best.”

Buck laughed, the sound utterly glorious, soft giggles escaping his mouth as Eddie crawled his way up Buck’s body. “I can be quiet,” he promised, his cheeks flushed the most delicious shade of pink.

“Promise?”

“Pinky promise.”

(Eddie was glad he was long since passed the era of his mother attempting to do his laundry every time he came home – he wasn’t sure how he’d explain the bite marks on the t-shirt he’d shoved in Buck’s mouth as his boyfriend proved he could definitely not be quiet.

“It went okay – right?” Buck asked, Eddie curled around his boyfriend, the bed far too small for two grown men to share.

He wasn’t asking about the sex, Eddie knew.

“Yeah,” Eddie hummed, pressing his face into the groove of Buck’s shoulder. “It’s a start.”)

“I love you,” Adrianna reassured, hugging Eddie tightly. “More than anything in this world. You know that right?”

Adrianna Diaz had always been a force of nature – bright and brilliant and beautiful, the person everyone took notice of. Eddie had always admired that – the way Adrianna did everything in her life without a second’s hesitation, the way she never took no for an answer.

He’d hated her for it, the day she’d driven him to their local VA and demanded he get on a waiting list for counselling.

But mostly, he loved her for it.

Especially now.

“I love you too,” Eddie said.

“How were mom and dad about it?” Adrianna asked. “Because I have no qualms about starting a fight with them. You know I don’t.”

Eddie laughed, shaking his head. “I know – but they were okay, Adrianna,” he reassured, looking across the garden to where Buck was chatting with Adrianna’s husband and Sophia, his little sister no doubt filling him in on all the embarrassing things Eddie had ever done in his life.

(He didn’t mind.)

“Hm,” Adrianna huffed, settling back on the swing chair the two of them were sitting in, chaos unfolding in the garden, an impromptu Diaz family barbecue in full swing. “Okay isn’t very reassuring.”

“They’re not going to be putting a pride flag on the porch any time soon – but they did let us sleep in the same room, so I’m taking that as a win.”

Adrianna looked utterly offended. “They did what? Sophia – Ryan! Wait until you hear this!”

She was gone before Eddie had a change to say anything else, and he couldn’t help but laugh as he watched Adrianna fill their sister in, Sophia looking just as offended. Buck quietly excused himself, and Eddie watched him unashamedly as his boyfriend made his way across the garden, sitting down beside Eddie.

“You okay?” Buck asked, snapping Eddie out of his reverie.

Eddie nodded. “I love you,” he said softly, leaning in to press a brief kiss to Buck’s lips – the embrace lasted barely half a second, but it was the first time he’d kissed Buck in front of his family. It felt –

Well, it felt like a win.

(“He’s good with kids,” Ramon commented as Buck easily swung Christopher, and Adrianna’s daughter Ella, around the garden, the two of them giggling delightedly.

“Yeah,” Eddie agreed. “He is.”)

There was one last person Eddie felt compelled to tell.

Eddie didn’t visit Shannon’s grave very often. He – he didn’t believe she was there. A grave was part of the grieving process for some people, but it never had been for him. Shannon Diaz had never once been caged in her life, and in death, Eddie didn’t believe she would start.

But –

It felt appropriate, today.

Brushing away some leaves from the headstone he’d pick out with Shannon’s devastated mother, all those years ago now, Eddie spoke softly. “Christopher is going to be ten, soon,” he said. “He’s growing up so quickly, Shannon. I know you probably know that – but I guess I just wanted to promise you that he’s good. Because he is. He’s so good.”

The silence of the graveyard was his reply.

“I’m good, too,” Eddie continued. “I didn’t think I ever would be again, after losing you – but I’m good. I – I’m bisexual, Shannon. I think you probably knew before I did. But I can say it out-loud, now. I have a boyfriend – Buck, you met him.”

The wind picked up, whistling in Eddie’s ear.

“I love him,” Eddie admitted. “I loved you, Shannon – and I love him. And I – I hope you’d want me to be happy. That – that’s all I wanted to say.”

Pressing a kiss to the palm of his hand, Eddie let his hand linger against the cold granite of the headstone for a second or two before he moved, walking out of the graveyard to where Buck was waiting, leaning against Eddie’s truck.

“What now?” Buck asked, the question clear – Eddie had a list of people to tell, and he’d just ticked off the final one.

Taking Buck’s hand in his own, Eddie gave it a reassuring squeeze. “Now? We be happy.”

**fin**

**Author's Note:**

> hope you enjoyed! this was a bit of a labour of love inspired by the show/fandom/etc doing so much wrong by shannon & turned into a big ol' fic about eddie's journey with love and queerness.


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